were that I could bottle the lamplight of my childhood

 2 a.m. 

always buzzes and burns
I wish it was Christmas
I wish I was small
I wish my problems were bead collections
reading books by lamplight
I wish my mama peeked in my room periodically still
I wish I was scared of the toilet

instead 

I am 23
everything is scarier at 23
the dark never gets brighter because you get older
bandaids don't appear when you need them
adults talk to me now
like I don't need protecting 
I would have fought for that at 15

at 13 

I had grown up too fast
trauma opening doors to maturity
at 23 I'm stuck at age 12
reliving the worst days of my life every fall
and my mama
no longer peeks her head through my door