SurRouNd

when I was young
Colors had Faces
letters had genDers
And spoons
Never got along with the forks

now
Now my emotions
Have feelings too
And when my pen
spills out
numbers
they tell me their life stories

4
Is my favorite number
Because she knows what it is like
To be told who she is
And 9
Will always be my CAMpfire villain
My water bottle Is a she
And she
Does not much care for tulips or birds
My pillow
Is a diVa
Who never gets her way

Months are Never just Days
days
Are slightly more than just dates
And when I spell out their names
Their letters greet each other i n d i v i d u a l l y
Before becoming the word as a whole

So

sO
So

So who am I to say I am never Alone
When every pEtal on my bedspread
Never Fails
To welcome me home

neither are nigh

I'm pulling from within

expecting something brilliant

I've forgotten

the universe is not as inseparable from me

as I am from myself

fear is a multifaceted eye

I'm afraid of ostriches and needles and words that don't mean anything
I fear windows I can't see through
hair loss and losing my teeth

I am not afraid of death

I am afraid of fire
choking lungs scorched skin eyes stinging and watering as if they could put out the fire themselves
as if they could mean anything

I am afraid of honesty
I cannot tell a lie

I'm not afraid of goodbye

I'm scared I'll die falling
that the ground will become a childhood swing and my uncle is pushing me so far into the trees
I could swear I was flying
only flying feels a lot like suspension
like disbelief
like doubt
I'm afraid I'll die falling because when the ground welcomes me home I'll spill my regret and my guts all in the same instant

I'm afraid of falling in love
reasons listed above

I'm not afraid of germs
not anymore

I'm afraid of words that were born in another's throat and still echo in my own
words that I regret
words that I'll never hear a sorry for

I'm afraid of apologies that don't make sense

I'm not afraid of God

I'm not afraid of dying
I am afraid of seeing the faces of my brothers at my funeral
I'm not afraid of goodbyes- I'm afraid of not saying them

maybe that's why I'm still alive
maybe that's why I lied
because I'm never not afraid\
that
at least
I'll take to the grave

to be seen is to be perceived

I'm not afraid of death
I am afraid of dying
I'm not afraid of eternity
I am afraid of the future

I'm afraid of relationships
I can't stand not to have them
love me
I beg
without knowing I exist

I pour myself into the distance between hello and goodbye

it is time to cut my strings and 

dangle 

from every branch I've ever broken

climbing trees

to a sky full of hope

grenade

I remember when you pulled the pin in our relationship

I weighed it in my hands
gave it back

walked away and tried to forget the fear in your eyes

now I wonder
if I'm a bad person for not allowing it to kill us both