7 Years

memory is a double edged sword

I thought

I had forgotten the shape of your nose

now you're here

Hello

how dare you make me remember myself

pieces

I've shrouded my hands and face in lace and color and now I cannot see past it to the mirror

I'm a girl that changes with the seasons. Always a different person, and always the same.

There's no proper way to parse the syllables on my tongue or organize my heart into compartments.

Always the same patterns. Always the same person.

I want to bruise and bleed and tear myself to pieces but I can't I can't I can't I have to be perfect I have to be perfect

the realization that your life is all the same poem

Soft and almost smothered, the very air humming around me

Why must I always force the path of my thoughts?

Today I dipped my paintbrush In the wells beneath my eyes And painted the sky To match My father's eyes And I could not see the color because I do not know Their shade Enough to know When it stains my palette

blurry on the edges
There is a contentment in my chest and uncertainty in my throat. Desperation paces with muffled steps across my rib cage and wistfulness sighs on the bow of my heartstrings. My tongue does not move and my fingers are alight with the energy of what they will not do

cardboard

With only the illusion

Of arms and legs

Move me wherever

I haven't got knees

Lean me in corners

Forget that I'm there

Yell at me softly

Anger burn bright

I won't move no matter

How desperately I try

No longer a person

Yet I have feelings too

But what does it matter

I'm cardboard to you 

don't take me back just remember me a feeling

 there was a time when I didn't eat

when I counted the minutes between calories

fed myself on the relief of deception

I've never remembered so keenly

anything like I do those few remembered meals

the white rice still sticks in my mouth

the tang of barbecue on my tongue decision's ghost

cold peas bursting between noodle and sauce

my life's victory a caramel

a caramel I never ate

how sick am I 

that tonight I long for that hunger?

let go

 I'm still learning to breath

to take the universe within me

savor her particles

keep none of them

I'm still learning to be okay with that

filled. . . ?

what is a space without intention?

lost

found. in a million different ways

spaces between goodbye

i love you

in every bright

and quiet

place

until the stars

have joined us

and the silence 

is final

and even then 

i love you

until the  very moment

"a little further"

has become a lifetime 

stretching 

our little eternities

to forever

and beyond